Love affairs

last time i was so obsessed with her unfaithful.
now -

this and this.

it's a sin. once u listen to them, u would want to listen to them over and over again.

gosh. i so love her.

and i always think there's a similarity between leonalewis and mariahcarey.

i was looking at aliciakey's music video and was reminded of how long have i left the piano at home untouched. and out of curiosity, i tried googling for the long-lost but not forgotten piece of historypuzzle that i once had and will forever possessed. a jigsaw that i'll forever treasure and remember- something that i can always look back and be proud of whenever i feel like the dumbest person. at least.

spotme.

days and days of strenuous practices, scoldings from my piano teacher and the number of tears that i dropped on the keyboard brought me that far. and now that i've returned all the knowledge and skills i've learnt and acquired throughout the years to her, i seriously feel everything is so wasted. i never made it to completing my grade 8. and that's such a shame. i know.

back then, juggling between f6 and the number of pieces that i had to practice every single day really drained me out. our aim was the appealing perfection and satisfaction- another high distinction for our credits. laying my fingers on the keys no longer seems to be something i enjoy. it was a matter of getting good grades. on top of it were the amount of stress and lack of enjoyments. although there were people like my piano teacher who told me i could do it and can always achieve good grades, like the previous year and the years before. but somehow i no longer had the inward force and my self motivation to push me to work harder towards the goal. and alas, i failed my gr8 with 2 marks away from the passing marks.

i vowed to work harder the very next year and be persevered. my piano teacher told me i could do it. and i believed i could too. but i was then in upper 6. and again, was loaded with so many things at once. and it seemed that working towards to achieving a pass for my gr8 was highly impossible. what more to say a high distinction. i tried to rekindle my love with the piano and to find something, something which i enjoyed and loved back. but what i saw was the impossibilities to achieve a high distinction. i aimed for a mere pass. but deep inside, i knew i couldn't make it. somehow. i gave up. and screwed my second attempt. with 4 marks away from the passing marks this time. and all the money my dad invested on me for my benefits are gone and wasted. i felt sorry. so am i now.

and with the hope of attempting the third time (omg, so malu!), we all knew i couldn't make it anymore as i was bound to enter into university. and at the end, i left with crippled hands and unruly, impossible hope and scattered dream to complete what i've left incomplete.

omg. suddenly feel so emo. wtf.

if i had the chance to redo and delete that particular path and piece of history in my life, i wish i had never achieved that far in gr7. a spark of achievement robbed me off my love and enjoyments i had over the years i played the piano. perhaps, without that achievement, i could at least get a pass for my gr8. who knows.

i even considered to do music for my degree when i did the applications to uni. omg i know. but somehow i knew music wouldn't bring me further away in my life as i've no patience in teaching so teaching piano is definitely out of the question. and plus, i seriously think that playing piano should be something i adore. not something as my profession. and definitely not something out of obligations.

whatever it is, i can no longer set my fingers on piano again. and i havn't been playing it for 3 years. i have forgotten how to play and serenade a piece melodiously. and my fingers are too stiff. the sight of the piano left untouched with pile and pile of dust collected over the years has me the urge to complete what i'm supposed to complete. but the touch of the keys. the sounds of the melodies. are impalpable to me. now.

sigh. i wish i could play the piano again. somehow..

nonetheless, i have an implicit unconditional love. for it.