it's close to 4am and i am blogging my way.

feeling kinda fucked up and tired but my eyes aren't willing to close and i am still very much awake.

i should be sleeping, by now. uh.

thanks to grande green tea frap. now i am so awake.

holly.



i had sucha bad day today, er. yesterday i mean.

was scheduled to meet up with one of my most fav persons on earth at 7am but i bloody overslept for 1.40 hrs.

speeded my ass off and nearly had an accident near sk stampin. it was pouring and the car sorta skidded due to the bad condition on the stupid road. i was lucky enough as there was no cars around and all the cars were quite a distance behind me.

else i would have gotten somebody or even myself killed.

it was scary when the car lost control. tsk.

i was so mad at mdmY. and mrS back then. as mrS put the blame on me when i blamed mdmY for not trying hard to wake me up.

and when mrS insisted to go to the airport with me (as it was raining and he was scared i would drive recklessly knowing so well that i would speed), i told him 'no need! even if one day if i had a car accident and i die, u also put the blame on me!' then off i went.

i guess it was really a 'tulah' cos i nearly had an accident. -__-



my effort came to a waste when that fav person of mine had checked in and was waiting to be boarded prior to my arrival at the airport.

all the plans i had in mind, eg the breakfast, the venue, were flushed down the drain.

the disappointments. the promise i made.

uh, i will never forgive myself.

i feel soooooooooooo terribly bad and am still superbly mad at myself.

it was sucha heart breaking thing to find that the one you have been wanting to meet for so long had gone into the departure gate. felt so kektioked at myself. kek til wanted to cry. felt so helpless back then.

i felt so lost when i could not find her in the departure hall and when she did not answer my calls/smses.

i hate myself the most when i, unintentionally and under certain circumstances, could not keep the promises i made.

i hate myself, sometimes.



i told somebody something which i would not have said if i did not spill of the things accidentally.

now i should really think clearly before i say something.

le sigh.

i hate myself, at times like this.



i rejected a job offer yesterday.

i know it is not a wise thing to do. but then there were so many people opposing the whole idea of it.

sigh. should i be happy that i can still rot my ass off for another month. or should i be sad cos i am such way behind my friends who have started working. feeling so ketinggalan, sometimes.



25th is drawing closer.

i have only a week's time to be in the same room with 4thsistasoh.

and when 2nd and 3rd sistersoh left in early feb and early jan respectively i will be so lonely.

pillowtalks no more.

happy for her as she is getting married.

yet i am feeling sad as she no longer stays in the same house with me.

nobody teman me. nobody to talk to at night.

how liddat.

sigh.